🇬🇧 "I'm not defined by depression. I can feel it but it's not all the time visible or obvious" - Roby and depression

What does it look like to live with depression when you are, by nature, one of the most joyful people in the room?

In this episode of lanomalie, I sit down with Roby, a 38-year-old designer and PhD graduate who has been living with depression for many years. Roby is warm, playful, full of colour — and that apparent paradox is exactly what makes his story so illuminating. Because depression does not always look the way we imagine it. It does not always show. And it does not always define the person carrying it.

Roby talks about the distinction he draws between his identity and his condition — something he has worked on for years, largely through therapy for depression. He shares how self-knowledge became his most powerful tool for recognizing depression symptoms early, for understanding what triggers a low episode, and for knowing when to trust his feelings and when to push back against them. A skill, he says, that took years to build — and that cognitive behavioral therapy helped him develop step by step.

Together we explore subjects that are rarely discussed with such clarity: how to deal with dark thoughts without being swept away by them, why telling someone with depression to "just do things you enjoy" can feel dismissive and even harmful, what it means to go through suicidal thoughts, and how depression and burnout can quietly reinforce each other over time — sometimes without you even noticing.

We also talk about what it means to be in a relationship when you live with a mental health condition. Roby explains how he approaches that conversation with partners early on, how he makes sure they do not feel responsible for his low moods, and why open communication is not just helpful — it is, for him, an ethical choice.

Roby shares his three personal metaphors for depression — waves that rise and fall, a weight carried on the shoulders, and cold sores that appear when something is off — and explains how each one captures a different dimension of living with depression: its cycles, its heaviness, and its role as a signal worth listening to.

We also dig into the question of self-compassion: why it is so much easier to be kind to others than to ourselves, and how therapy can help reframe the way we speak to ourselves when things get dark. Roby describes what he calls "secondary depression" — the guilt and self-blame that come from being depressed — and why addressing that layer is just as important as treating the primary symptoms.

Whether you are personally navigating depression or anxiety, whether you are supporting someone who is, or whether you are simply curious about what mental health really looks like from the inside — this conversation offers something rare: honesty without drama, and clarity without oversimplification.

💜 lanomalie est un podcast auto-produit, dont l’objectif est d’ouvrir de façon bienveillante la discussion sur la maladie et le handicap. Vous pouvez le suivre sur Instagram : @lanomalie.lepodcast.

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